New Day, New Horrors

New day, new horrors. After yesterday I was nearly convinced that it can’t get worse. I was still ashamed for aiming all my anger and despair at my custodian and being totally wrong with it. I was happy that I was wrong, but I still can’t get how I ever could think she didn’t care about me anymore. The night wasn’t very relaxing. I was still too shaken and an emotional mess to sleep very much. I pondered half the night about my isolation, my feelings and emotions and was still sleepy when I had to get up for work. Not that big a problem, it was a quiet day at work. When I was back at home, I logged in again, and promised me that I’d keep my emotions in check today. My custodian was already online. I was quite surprised about that. It was early for her. And soon I got some more or less pleasant surprises. I was on one of my trips when I discovered that she learned to use her spy remote. My custodian told me that I didn’t keep enough distance to other human beings and that I should get the hell away from them. Great idea. I liked the feeling of being more closely overseen by my custodian and I didn’t mind keeping some distance from other people. Not that I could interact with them anyway. So I’ve tried to keep my distance but from time to time, mostly after teleporting to another sim and rematerializing at a crowded entry point I was unable to keep my distance at once. My keyholder loved to scan the area around me right after I’ve teleported and so I got more than just one messages from my custodian. Creepy computer thing in my brain…protocol violations my ass…I’m not responsible for rematerializing in the midst of a crowd!
After about 2 hours my custodian told me I needed my maintenance. And now I was in for a reall surprise. I got a TP from my custodian and when I arrived at my destination I was in a sterile hospital room with a sick-bed, some unidentifiable computer equipment and a gyn-chair. She built that room especially fro me!! I felt so happy; this was the best moment I had in SL for the whole week. My keyholder was dressed in a white lab-coat and strapped me to the chair, disposed all the waste I produced during my isolation, made some probes and checked the waste reclamation unit, food was pumped through a tube that passed through my digestive tract into my stomach, she did some more probes and checked my custodian. She role-played the whole maintenance with me and during all that time I wasn’t allowed to speak more than just a few sentences with the lab-tech who did my check-up. My maintenance took longer than one and a half hours and it was the best and craziest experience I had since a very long time. She made such a fuss about my well-being and some fine-tuning of my custodian. It was the most embarrassing, most thorough and most enjoyable medical examination I ever had. ;) I had a great evening, I must admit that, but then she dismissed me with the words: “K-47713, during the maintenance your custodians protocol violation reports were analyzed and demerits assigned. Your sentence was extended by another month (= 1 additional day). Try harder, K-47713.” Ughhh…….!! Well, attacking the lab-tech, who was intelligent enough to lock the door behind me, would most likely get me a much longer sentence so I just stomped out of the building and went to my good old park to wallow in self-pity again. I didn’t try to have an ooc-chat with my custodian. I needed to figure some things out for myself now. I sat down on my bench and really started thinking about my isolation. Is this really worth all the trouble? Why did I do this again?? Is my keyholder gone completely nuts now??? Will I be able to finish this???? All this was on my mind and kept me thinking and contemplating for some time. I don’t really need to say, that the thought of being isolated and without my friends for one more day made me swallow sad. I became angry at my keyholder, why did she do this? Great idea…..let’s allow K-47713 to have some fun and enjoy her isolation for one and a half hour, then kick her in her latex-clad bum! I knew my keyholder was scary and could be damn cruel but this??? Crap…!!! I was hoping to be out of this suit in two days and now it’s one more. I’ll have to wear my suit now till Saturday. But in the end, I realized, there’s nobody else to blame but me. I urged her to read the story; I wanted the experience as close to the story as possible and I am here because I want to be here and because I choose to be here! She just does the best she can to make the experience as real and extreme as possible and at the same time she does everything she can to make it enjoyable for me. She went to all the trouble with the maintenance. She rented the small plot of land, built the little clinic-room and even thought about some interesting and fun role-play for me. I should be thankful and not pissed. I asked her to be my keyholder, because I knew she’d be able to make my isolation as extreme and scary as possible. I knew she’s push my limits and I asked her because of it. I knew she’d be the only one of my friends who could expose me to these situations without getting weak and without feeling enough pity with me to make it easier. She knows me good enough to know my limits – maybe even better than I know them myself. All these thoughts calmed me down a bit and allowed me to assess my situation without anger. And in the end I had to admit, today wasn’t too bad a day. The role-play during my maintenance was great and just enough fun for me to accept the additional day. Although I’m still not getting one bit used to the boredom and the inability to chat with my friends is extremely hard and it gets worse every day. At the moment I’m not really sure I can do this till Saturday, but I’ll try and do my best. Having a working and alert custodian changed the experience just enough to make the experiment interesting again. Now I have some rules I’ve got to stick to, I’ve got to be cautious, because I’m being monitored now and punished for not abiding to the rules. I can’t just do whatever I want. It’s a completely new level of Banishment. No, in fact, only now it is Banishment and not only isolation. My new goal in life: no more demerits. I’ve got a new challenge, and I’ll do everything humanly possible to achieve my aim. I am and ever was an extremely goal oriented person; this may just be enough of a challenge now to keep me going. To sum this day up, it was another emotional rollercoaster-ride for me. It had some ups, a few downs, all in all it wasn’t too bad a day for K-47713. I had enough from sitting alone on my bench, pitying myself. I got up and promised myself to do better from now on, be stronger. I know, I know, tomorrow I'm back on my bench, but let me at least keep my illusions for a few hours. ;) So I went back exploring this wonderful world again, hoping to find something interesting enough to distract me for a few hours.
Before going to bed, I had another ooc-chat with my (extremely worried) keyholder/custodian. She wanted to know how I'm doing. And I told her everything. I told her about every little thought that crossed my mind after I got my extended sentence. When I was finished, she was happy. Not only because I really appreciated what she did for me, or because she did not go too far, I think what made her happy most of all was her pride in my willingness to go on, to keep going, that she assessed me correctly and that I’m trusting her enough to keep on going, to allow her to control me completely.

K-47713