The Isolation continues (or: Little Bitch Sister from Hell)

I started my next day as K-47713 in quite a good mood. I had a really great day in RL and didn’t want anything to change that. Even my blindfold couldn’t really bother me, maybe I’ll get used to it more and more. The previous days it was hard the first minutes after login and I always cursed myself for trying the isolation with activated blindfold HUD. Well….not today. I was happy and felt like nothing could bother me. So I started my SL day by visiting some more sims I always wanted to visit but never took the time to see. I had some fun, but when more and more of my friends logged in I grew more and more restless. I just itched to talk to them tell them about my day and have some fun with them. Of course I was unable to do that. Being separated from them, well, it’s much worse than anticipated. Even exploring SL wasn’t that much fun anymore. Seeing all the people around me having a great time and conversing made me envy them. I went to a retreat I’ve found a few weeks ago, a really nice and lonely spot I always visit if I need some time for myself and feel the need to be alone. Just like that all my good mood was gone and I just wanted to wallow in my feelings of loneliness. When my keyholder logged in at last, I was happy to chat with her. Of course she didn’t answer me. I forgot that she wanted to play the custodian from now on and custodians don’t have nice conversations with their Banes, they just give orders and correct them.  All my pleading and wailing didn’t help me one bit. She’s really serious. On the one hand that’s exactly what I wanted and itched to try, and on the other hand….how could I ever be stupid enough to try and WANT something like that???? At some point – maybe after half an hour of pleading - I stopped trying to communicate with her. I couldn’t believe it, she really was serious with it and went into cold-hearted –bitch-mode. How could she do that to me? Didn’t she care anymore? Didn’t she see how miserable I was? Emotionally I was somewhere between self-pity and anger. Well that went for a few hours. I sat gloomily on my bench, thinking about the mess I got myself into, thinking about my friends, missing them all terribly, missing talking to somebody – anybody. I don’t know when or why exactly, but at one point I realized I was actually crying in RL. The isolation was really draining me emotionally and mentally. I was really happy when my sister called. We had another hour-long phone call and we talked about my little experiment and my feelings. I cried a bit and she did her best, but in the end she wasn’t able to cheer me up one little bit. She asked me if I wanted to stop if it affected me that much and we both dissected my feelings and she helped me a great deal here. I’m not only too stubborn, but I know I’m able to take more. And if I’d end my little experiment now I’d kick myself in my bum a few days from now. I need to go through with it till the end or I’ll always wonder about the possible outcome. I didn’t feel happier or more interested in leaving my little hideaway when we ended our phone call, but at least I was convinced again that I’m doing the right thing. So I sat on my bench a bit longer before I finally decided to give the world another visit. It was getting extremely late in my timezone, most of my friends had already logged off and with more and more of them gone back to RL it got a bit easier to cope with my isolation again. I wandered around a little bit more but I still couldn’t stand seeing other people having fun. Finally I decided to call it a day and go to bed. My custodian was still online and I decided to tell her at least that I wanted to go to bed now. That’s when she decided to have an ooc-chat with me. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about my day and my feelings. She told me that after I stopped trying to chat with her she got worried and asked Ali about me. That’s why my lil sis called. She relayed everything we talked about and all the conclusions we drew to my custodian. Well…nice work lil sis. I didn’t know if I should kill Ali or kiss her when we see each other again. At least, it was too late to give her another phone call and call her names.  But what really ashamed me was that I was ever thinking that my keyholder stopped thinking about me, caring for me, worrying how I was doing. How could I ever think that??? She found a nice loophole, I’ll have to admit that. My sis spied on me and she could play the perfect custodian without me suspecting anything. She told me that she wasn’t sure if she should keep that secret, but during our ooc-chat she decided that it would be better to tell me about it. I’m really happy she did that. I was happy again and felt so much better now. What I really realized than was that it’s not only hard for the Bane, it’s maybe as hard as for the custodian. My friends care for me, they want me to be happy, but a custodian does not care for the happiness of the Bane. It’s just a machine programmed to keep the Bane safe and healthy, it follows it’s programming, oversees the Bane and punishes her when necessary. It’s not easy for one of my friends to be my custodian, to play the cold-hearted-machine who doesn’t care one bit about me. Well yes, she’s a sadistic evil bitch if she want’s to, and I know that she loves to test my limits and expand them. She likes to Domme me and she really enjoys pushing my buttons. She knows how much I wanted this and that I need to go through this, but I’ve seen how much I worried her today. She may be much, but she’ll never be somebody who doesn’t care about my happiness and well-being. And seeing me mentally suffer so much was hard for her, too. And that wasn’t even my last day in isolation. Let’s see what happens tomorrow. I’m not sure if it can get worse now.

K-47713